The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
