when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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