The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
