you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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