So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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