I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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