ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
