i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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