He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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