Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
love makes seman taste better
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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