I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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