Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize