It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize