Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
