No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
