standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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