Im at strip club and am horny
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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