someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize