Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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