don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
