me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I want her autograph on my taint
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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