u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
