I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
