she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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