the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i just google imaged poop.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize