My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
