So drunk its hurt
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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