you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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