I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
