I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
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