Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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