Who did Billy Mays play for?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
