i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
