Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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