Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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