Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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