I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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