yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
