i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just had sex on a roof
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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