I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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