would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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