Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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