your parents love me but you hate me
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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