She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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