I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
