I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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