Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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