I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
