if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
