A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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