im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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