I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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