I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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