matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
