I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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