oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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