he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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