I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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