honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize