I checked into jail on foursquare
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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