Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
